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Bendin' in the Wind/Transcript
Credits. Caption: Federal Law Prohibits Changing The Channel. :['''Scene': New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk down a busy street and Bender sings and dances.]'' Bender: singing Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh Well, Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, Blah, blah, blah, something, Bender is great! Froggy went a-courtin' and Bender is great, uh-huh-- :rumbling noise interrupts his singing. He and Fry look through a gap in a fence and see Sal in a hover-digger digging a huge hole at the NNYC Hole Project. Sal dumps a load down on the ground. Amongst some rubble and mud is a bag of fat-free potato chips. Fry picks it up. Fry: Oh, my God! They dug up a bag of olestra chips from my time! opens the packet and Bender eats one. Something clangs around inside of him and he shits a brick. Then some. There must be layers and layers of old stuff down there. :dumps another scoop-ful and amongst the dirt is an entire VW minivan. Fry gasps. Bender: What's that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about? :puts his hands on the VW. Fry: No, it's an old Volkswagen van. wipes the window clean and sees some hippie skeletons inside. shouting Hey, Mister? Mind if I take this old van? Sal: shouting Sure. You wanna dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses. Fry: Yeah, yeah, I've gotten used cars before. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hangar. Fry grunts and groans as he pushes the VW into the hangar. He wears the previous owner's bandana. Bender sits inside and guzzles down a beer. The rest of the staff gather around.]'' Leela: What's that? One of those Jefferson Starships I've heard so much about? Fry: It's called a van, and in light of the fact that it's not a-rockin', I invite you to come a-knockin'! :slides open the door and the staff peer inside at all the beads and beanbags and throws. Amy: Wow, neat. Hermes: It's a triumph of free-spirited German engineering. Amy: Hey, the speedometer only goes up to 80. This thing can't go faster than 80,000 miles an hour? Fry: No, it can't, but it's got a driver's-side floor and an 8-track player with genuine mono sound. Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time? Fry: Under the seat. :pulls out a bong. Leela tries turning the key in the ignition and the engine coughs and splutters. Leela: Why won't it start? Fry: It just needs some gas. :puts his hand on his shoulder. Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum reserves ran dry in 2038. Leela: Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels. Fry: Like what? Leela: Whale oil. points to a barrel of Mobil Dick Whale Oil. Bender, lift it up to the can opener. Bender: Oh, no! I'm not going near it. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off. Fry: Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs. Bender: What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous. :glances around. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder. Fry: Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you, and nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that. Bender: OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to take life by the cans. :lifts the barrel and looks weakly at the others. Leela: Come on! Hermes: You can do it! Amy: Bender! Farnsworth: Go on, you dummy. :walks towards the can opener and the magnet grabs him and starts cutting into him. Sparks fly from him and he sings. Bender: singing Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, screams in pain. Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, :screams again. The rest of the staff cringe and cover their eyes. Fry: Oh, no! Bender: singing Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care, Cause the master's gone away. Zoidberg: his feet It's toe-tapping-ly tragic. :['''Scene': Cedars-Sinewave Robot Hospital. Bender lies on a bed and a doctor checks him over. He has huge gashes across his chest.]'' Bender: Doc, I can't move my arms and legs. What's wrong with me? :doctor sighs. Doctor: This is the worst part of the job. Bender: What is it, good news? Doctor: Bender, your hydraulics are shot. You'll never move again. :gasps. Bender: You mean-- :doctor turns to Farnsworth. Doctor: I'm sorry, you'll have to get a new one. :leaves and Bender bursts into tears. The staff murmur to each other. Fry: Oh, no! This is terrible. Zoidberg: Poor Bender. Farnsworth: Well, let's drag him to the kerb. :grabs Bender's arm and Zoidberg takes hold of his legs. Fry stops them. Fry: Wait a minute, Bender is my best friend. We can't just dump him in the gutter like Grandma's ashes. Bender: crying Oh, my life is over. I'll never know happiness again. :horn honks and a robot on wheels dressed like a clown rolls in. Robot: Ho, ho! Hello there! Leela: Look, Bender! It's Patch Cord Adams. He heals with the power of laughter. :holds a robot-shaped balloon above Bender. Patch Cord Adams: Come on, take it. What's the matter, can't move your arms? Bender: Obviously not, or I'd be strangling you right now. Patch Cord Adams: Hey, here's a giggle! plugs himself into a Jokebook Computer and downloads some jokes. Did you hear why they're using Windows 3000 as a prison guard? Fry: No, why? Patch Cord Adams: 'Cause it always locks up. :others laugh weakly. Bender: For the love of God, somebody kick his ass! Patch Cord Adams: Well, so long. Get well soon. looks at Bender's medical notes. Oh, well, so long anyway. :rolls out and Bender groans. Bender: Oh, I'm doomed. Everybody leave me alone. I don't wanna be seen this way. :except Fry leaves. Fry: Aw, you look so sad. You want me to send Patch Cord Adams back in? :bawls and Fry leaves. The sound of a harmonica stops his tears. Bender: Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of other people's suffering. That's kind of a pick-me-up. doctor draws back the curtain and reveals the head in a jar of Beck. Beck wears a futuristic harmonica holder around his neck with little arms that move the harmonica back and forth in front of his mouth. The doctor pulls a mask over his face and welds Beck's jar to the neck of a life-sized dummy. Beck stops playing. Wow, that was great. Beck: Hey, thanks. You a fan? Bender: I dunno. Let me see. focuses his eyes and sees Beck's nameplate. Oh, my God, you're Beck! I'd get up to shake your hand and steal your wallet but my crappy body crapped out on me. Beck: Don't take it so hard. I used to miss my body too but then I fished this mannequin out of the 92c Store dumpster. Bender: Wow. We've sure got a lot in common, Beck. I always dreamed of being a musician-poet who transcends genres even as he re-invents them, just like you. Beck: So do it, robot. It's easier than it looks. Bender: Eh, thanks, but it's hopeless. I'll never be a musician now. Beck: Or maybe you'll be the best musician ever. :motions the doctor to him and whispers something to him. He takes the harmonica holder out of Beck's jar and puts it around Bender's neck. Bender: What's this for? Beck: Try and scrape it across your chest like a knife on burnt toast. struggles and strains as he tries to move the little arms on the harmonica holder. Come on, move those arms. Use the power of mental thinking. Make it dynamic. starts moving the arms with ease and scrapes them across his scarred chest. Yeah-ee! Alright, congratulations, my friend. Bender: Why? 'Cause I can make annoying noises? Beck: Exactly. I use those all the time in my music. Bender, I want you to become my new washboard player. :gasps. Bender: Alright! does a happy dance with the little arms. Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender! :['''Scene': Outside Planet Express. The staff are gathered outside the building by the side of the road. Fry, still wearing his headband, wheels Bender out on a sack truck. He has a small green suitcase with him. A large blue bus pulls up and the horn honks.]'' Bender: Well, that's my good friend, Beck. I'm off to rock a series of mid-level venues. Hermes: Kudos, Bender. You got mangled and now you're a singer. Both our dreams came true. :bus honks again. Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van and follow Bender on tour and live there, in the van? :them, the VW rumbles and backfires. Zoidberg: Oh, I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too poor to follow a band around in a van. :bus beeps again and Beck leans out of a window. Beck: shouting Come on, move it! We gotta get to the concert and make the audience wait for it at the start. :['''Montage': The tour bus passes under the Holland Tunnel with the VW right behind it, causing a tailback. They drive from New New York, through New New Jersey, Washington A.C., East West Virginia to a little town called Squatter's Corners in West Virginia (Big, Crazy Lester, Mayor).]'' :['''Scene': Velma Sue's Laundromat. Zoidberg, Amy, Leela and Fry do their laundry. Zoidberg dumps the basket of washing on a table in front of the others who sit around in their underwear.]'' Zoidberg: Bad news, friends. My shell ran. :holds up his clothes. They are a funky tie-dye pink. Amy: Zoidberg, you idiot, my outfit. It's, it's-- Leela: Kinda cool. Fry: Yeah, I like it. Amy: Me too, now that I'm used to it. Zoidberg: Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that! :snaps his claws and squeals at them. :['''Scene': Squatter's Corners Civic Audeetorium. Beck and the band play their gig to some hicks in a barn. They perform Where It's At from the album Odelay.]'' Beck: singing There's a destination a little up the road, From the habitations and the towns we know, A place we saw the lights turn low, The jigsaw jazz and the get-fresh glow, Pullin' out jives and jamboree handouts, Two turntables and a microphone, Bottles and cans just clap your hands, Just clap your hands. All: singing Where it's at! :scrapes his chest. Bender: voice Got a washboard stomach and a microphone. :scrapes his chest. Beck: That was a washboard break. :Amy, Leela and Zoidberg cheer. Fry: Oh, yeah! Amy: Yeah! turns around to the bar. One bowl of Jell-O knuckles, please. Barman: That'll be three pick-e-tures of George Washington. :takes some money out of her pocket but it has turned to green gloop. Amy: Oh, no! My beautiful money. Leela: It got ruined in the wash. :and Fry take money out of their pockets. Fry: Mine too, even my change. Barman: Get lost, you money-less hippies! Horrible Gelatinous Hick: You heard him, freaks. We don't like your type around here. These are the types we like. :holds up a picture of nine aliens. :Squatter's Corners Civic Audeetorium. After the concert, the band's gear is packed away in the bus. Beck: Bender, that was the best 40-minute washboard solo I've ever heard. And the parts when I was awake blew my mind. :hears something and turns around and sees some broken robots in some bins, rolling towards a building. Bender: Whoa, check out all those broken robots. Howdy, fellas! :waves. Robot #1: I don't believe my broken eyes! It's Bender, the washboard player! Hey, man, we caught your concert from here. Robot #2: You rock! Fembot: Oh, oh, Bender! Sign my chest! It's in that bin behind me. Robot #3: Yo, brother, thanks for showing that broken robots are still useful. Bender: Aw, hang in there, folks. I'll bet before you know it, you guys'll be-- is interrupted by the sound of machinery in a building grinding up the robots and turning them into paperweights. That is so wrong. They can't just melt down broken robots. Not right when they're kissing my ass. Beck: Whoa, dog. Just cold chill. woman moves him closer to Bender. You know, when I'm upset, I write a song about it. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut, I was feeling really-- What's that song about? Bender: Hey, yeah, I could write a song! With real words, not phoney ones like "odelay". Beck: "Odelay" is a word. Just look it up in the Becktionary. :holds Webster's New Abridged Becktionary: From Bzooty to Whiskeyclone. Bender: Ooh! :['''Scene': Beck's Bus. The bus drives down a desert road with the VW behind it. Inside, Beck lies on a couch while Bender writes.]'' Bender: I'm working on my song. Hand me the Becktionary. man offers him the book. No, no, the rhyming Becktionary. :sighs. Beck: I wish I could help raise awareness about broken robots. But what can I do? I only weigh eight pounds. Bender: Wait a minute, you know lots of rock stars, and most of them like to look like they care about things! Beck: We can all get together for a big benefit concert in San Francisco! Bender: And we could call it "Bend-Aid", after me, Bender! Beck: And you can sing that song you're writing! Bender: And I'll let you sing backup! But remember who the star is. Me: Bender. :['''Montage': The bus passes through several more states as Bender tries to come up with a song. He dabs his eyes with a tissue as he reads the song. At another concert, Fry, Zoidberg, Amy and Leela rummage through dustbins for food. Fry finds a hotdog with mustard and flies and holds it up to the others. Zoidberg cuts it up into four pieces and they eat it. They arrive in San Francisco at dusk.]'' :['''Scene': Sir Francis Drake Hotel. Bender sits on a bed in his hotel room, writing his song.]'' Bender: Alright. "Hands in the air" rhymes with "Just don't care" and ... finished! sniffs. Eck! Smells like something died in the wall! :Leela, Zoidberg and Amy walk in. Fry: Surprise! Leela: Mind if we crash here tonight? The colours in the van are keeping us awake. Bender: Alright, but hands off the minibar. :closes his chest cabinet which has the minibar in it. Fry looks at the TV. Fry: Wow, I forgot about TV. Living free on the road, you realise how much better life is without it. Well, let's see what's on. :turns it. An advertisement comes on and shows a band playing on stage. Announcer #1: on TV Tuesday, Golden Gate Park, the monsters of vaguely-folkish alterna-rock will strum your brains out at Bend-Aid! Featuring Beck, Wailing Fungus and special guest, Bender! Announcer #2: on TV A portion of the proceeds might go to help broken robots. :cheers. Fry: Yeah! Zoidberg: Hooray, robot! Amy: Bender, you're famous! :wipes away a tear. Bender: Yeah. Leela: This coming-together of superstars really means a lot to you, doesn't it, Bender? Bender: crying Uh-huh. Helping my defective brothers is the first thing I've ever cared about, even the slightest bit. You know, when I first got broken, I thought my life was over. But look at me now: I've got fame, money, groupies, and it's all thanks to being completely immobilised. stops crying and stands up. That's why I'll be proud to go up on stage tomorrow and say, "Look at me, world, I am a broken robot!". Fry: Bender, you can move! You're cured! :looks at himself in a mirror. Bender: Oh, crap! It's a miracle! :Lapse. Bender: I can move again. crying My music career is over. Fry: Bender, I don't claim to understand "the biz" but wouldn't being able to move help your music career? Bender: crying No, don't you see? I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them. But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. gasps and stops crying. Wait, that's it! I'll fake it! :['''Scene': San Francisco Street. Fry drives the van down the winding streets, with a cloud of exhaust following it.]'' :['''Cut to': VW. Zoidberg coughs and hawks into a tissue.]'' Amy: You'd better not do that at the concert. Zoidberg: I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt, I get stuff in my throat. :hawks and spits into the tissue. Amy: You are so disgusting, I-- :gasps. Zoidberg has spit up blue pearls. Leela takes a handful. Leela: They're beautiful. Zoidberg: Ew, you're touching them! Amy: I've never seen pearls like this. Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing. Zoidberg: I am? At last! Recognition! :spits up some more into Amy's and Leela's hands. :['''Scene': Golden Gate Park. Hundreds of hippies and broken robots have turned out for Bend-Aid.]'' Emcee: loudspeaker Gentle hippies, put your filthy hands together for the folk stylings of Cylon and Garfunkel! :robot with a guitar and man who looks like Art Garfunkel walk onto the stage. Garfunkel: Here's a song that was beautiful when performed by my ancestor, Art. (singing) Are you going to Scarborough Fair? :cuts in with a mechanical voice. Cylon: and singing Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Garfunkel: singing Remember me to one who loves there. Cylon: and singing She once was a true love of mine. :VW pulls up behind the crowd and the staff get out. They look around at the hippies sitting and lying on the grass. Leela: We're home. Amy: Well, let's earn some bread. :Lapse. Amy puts a sign on the window that says "Genuine Love Beads, $5.00". Zoidberg's pearls have been strung together and Fry and Leela hold some. Fry: Brothers and sisters, get your love beads. Can't journey to the centre of your mind without love beads! :gather around the van. Hippie #1: Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul. Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently. Hippie #2: I'll take three. Hippie #3: Give me one, man! Hippie #4: I'll trade you a bad poem! :Lapse. Emcee: loudspeaker And now, stand up and turn on your hidden tape recorders for ... Beck! With special guest, Bender, the broken robot. :[The stage curtain lifts and Bender and Beck are lowered from the ceiling. Broken robots in the audience cheer and the band plays ''Sexx Laws from Midnite Vultures.]'' Fry: shouting Bender rules! Hippie #5: Groove on, man! Leela: Rock it, Bender! Zoidberg: Play that thing! :and Beck hit the stage and liquid spills out of Beck's jar. Beck: singing Can't you hear those cavalry drums, Hijacking your equilibrium... Bender: Whoa-oh, yeah! Beck: singing ...Midnight hags in the mausoleum, :Lapse. Day has turned to dusk, the crowd has thinned and the band still plays the same song. Bender scrapes his chest and the song ends. The crowd cheers. Beck: Thank you. That song doesn't usually last three hours, but we got into a serious thing ... and then I forgot how it ended. Anyway, one last item of business before we go. :and Garfunkel walk onto the stage with a big cheque. Garfunkel: Bender, to start your foundation for broken robots, here's a big, cardboard cheque for $14,000. Cylon: It's been an emotional day for me. :prop it up next to Bender and he starts to cry. Bender: crying I don't know what to say. Beck: Then maybe you should sing it. Lay it down, boys. :band starts to play Bender's song and the lights dim. Bender: Ladies, gentlemen, smoking heaps of machinery ... broken robots cheer. ... this is a song called My Broken Friend. crowd cheer. (singing) People say my broken friend is useless, But I say his mind is free, There's lots of things my mangled robot friend could be, Beck: Kick it! Bender: singing He could make a good... Bender: and singing ...hat-rack Beck: singing He only has to stand there, Bender: singing Or a cheap... Bender: and singing ...doorstop, Beck: singing He doesn't need to move Bender: singing Or a great big... Bender: and singing ...giant Thermos, Bender: singing With a twist-off top, Beck: singing That would be good for soup, Bender: singing He could be a storage closet... Bender: and singing ...for outdated pants, Beck: I like 'em tight! Bender: singing My broken friend could do it all, Bender: and singing Just give him a chance! Bender: singing That robot has a tragic secret, That I'd like to share... Beck: For real? Bender: singing ...My broken friend is closer to me, Than an ass to a chair... Beck: Hm. Bender: singing ...That robot's name I never told you... Beck: Who's that? Bender: singing ...You could not foresee... Beck: C'mon, give it up. Bender: singing ...I'll say it loud and sing it proud... Bender: and singing His name is you and me. :dances. Bender: singing Don't melt me down into a crowbar, Beck: singing It suffers alone, Bender: singing Just 'cause I can't move my arms and legs, Beck: Hey. :robots look around and Bender flails his arms and legs around. Bender: singing Or toss me into a trash can... Beck: Bender, what are you doing? Bender: singing ...Just 'cause I can't cook you ham and eggs... Beck: What are you doing? Bender: singing ...Don't crush me into an anchor... Beck: Yo! What's the dealy-o? Bender: singing ...Just 'cause I can't jump and dance and sing... Beck: Hold it! What? No! Bender: singing ...I'm telling you, my broken friend... Beck: B-Bender. Bender: singing ...Put your hands in the air like you just don't care! Beck: No! :bounds off across the stage. Bender: singing I'm telling you, my broken friend... Beck: Cut it! Bender: singing ...Can do 'most anything! :slides across the stage on his knees. Beck: Cut it! Bender: Yeah! Beck: Cut it! :crowds shouts and "boos". Bender's harmonica holder falls off. He looks at himself. Bender: Curse my natural showmanship! Robot #4: shouting You big, fat fraud! You're not really broken! Robot #5: shouting But you will be in a minute! Bum-rush the stage! :broken robots crawl and hobble towards Bender. Bender backs away. Robot #6: Get him! :folds the cheque away into his chest cabinet, grabs a rope and swings over the crowd, screaming like Tarzan. He flies towards the VW. :['''Cut to': VW. He flies through sunroof, slams his head against it and lands in the driver's seat. He shifts it into gear and speeds off in a cloud of smoke. The others hang on.]'' :['''Cut to': Golden Gate Park.]'' Hippie #6: Oh, harsh! I didn't get my beads. :coughs and beads rain down on the hippies. Beck watches from the stage. Beck: You, minion, lift up my arm. stage hand points his arm forwards. After him! :[His bus pulls up and he gets on with Cylon and Garfunkel. Wailing Fungus and the heads of Neil Young and Joni Mitchell are already on it. The bus ploughs through a crowd and a chase sequence lifted from ''Bullit begins.]'' :['''Scene': San Francisco Street. The VW flies down the road, pursued by Beck's bus.]'' :['''Cut to': VW. Bender looks in the rear-view mirror.]'' Bender: Well, everyone, prepare to get your guts kicked out by folk singers. :['''Cut to': San Francisco Street. The buses pass a green VW Beetle once, twice, three times, four times...]'' :['''Cut to': Chinatown. A Chinese street parade is interrupted as the buses drive past, blowing the Chinese dragon off a caterpillar-like alien.]'' Caterpillar Alien: What is this? The Year of the Jerk? :VW rounds another corner, cutting up another green Beetle. :['''Cut to': VW.]'' Fry: Hurry! The Golden Gate Bridge! Put the metal to the pedal to the other metal. :floors it. Beck's bus gets closer and bumps them. They scream. The bus passes a sign that reads "Golden Gate Hoverbridge". Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge. Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar. Fry: Is any of that a problem? Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret. :screams. The VW flies off the edge of the road and plummets to the ground below. Bender: I'll save me! :leans out of the window and grabs a cable. Leela: Quick, grab his footcups. :all grab Bender's feet. Bender: Hey? What? No. :VW lands softly on a rocky outcrop by the water. Bender has pulled the wire and it is very tense. Fry: Phew! :all let go of Bender and the tense wire launches him into the air. The gang watch him fly off. Leela shrugs. Leela: Bummer. :['''Scene': Fisherman's Worf. The fat guy from the Titanic and a thin woman buy some food from Tarty McTang's and they hear Bender screaming from above.]'' Bender: shouting Someone fat get in my way! lands on the thin woman and squashes her. He gets up and staggers away. Beck's bus rams him and knocks him over. Beck, Cylon and Garfunkel get out. Bender groans. talking I'm broken again. I can't move any part of me. Beck: Good. Bender: I'm really sorry I lied, Beck. All I ever wanted was to make music with you. I never meant to hurt anyone, or help anyone. Beck: Bender, that's some played-out, new-jack, horse crap-- But I know you don't mean it so apology accepted. Bender: So, I can, uh, keep the cheque? Garfunkel: Over my dead career! :takes the cheque out of Bender's chest cabinet. Bender: Well, it was worth a shot. :gets up and the other three leave. :Lapse. The bus flies away and Bender sighs. The VW floats past. Fry, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg are paddling up the river in it. A seal sits on the roof. Fry: shouting C'mon, Bender. If you're done scamming Beck, we're heading home. Bender: Alright, alright. Let me just do one thing to cheer myself up. takes a magnet from Ye Olde Tourist Trappe and puts it on his head. His pupils go wild and he starts to sing. Fry cracked corn, And I don't care, Leela cracked corn, I still don't care, Bender cracked corn, And he is great! Take that, you stupid corn! :wades out into the water to the VW. :Credits. Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Season Three Scripts